Conversations on #MeToo and its related topics have been filling every available medium for the past few months. In print, TV, NPR.....so the other day when I was driving my kids to school yet another #MeToo conversation was being aired on NPR. Since my kids were there in car, I reached to turn to a different channel, but midway decided to leave it on. I let it play and my kids listened in too.
My son is 15 years and my daughter is 13 years. Its a very impressionable age. My first instinct was to save them from the inappropriate human behavior. But then I remembered that the first time I was touched inappropriately I was 8 or 9 years old. The conversations of various women opening up their wounds, removed the scabs on mine. And I decided that I better use this opportunity to have conversations with my kids.
I told them about the time when I was 18 years, I had asked help from an acquaintance. I had considered about my safety before I approached for help. The acquaintance was at least 20 years older than me, my Father and Grandfather knew him and his father. So it was a shock to me when he put his hand along my shoulders. I told my kids that at that moment the only thought that went across my mind was that I had to get out of the situation fast and safely, so I smiled, nodded and blabbered as I inched towards the door. Once out of the room I ran as if the very devils were at my heels. Two things came out of it. First - though I had to go past the creep's house every time I stepped out, I never looked at him and kept the breadth of the road from his place. Second - I reported about the incident to my Mother as soon as I could. She must have told my Father. About a year later when I started undergrad school I was told by my Mother, that my Father asked me to dress "properly". This is a keyword for saying "the way you dress should not attract attention from the male roving eyes". He never acknowledged my fears and he would also have very congenial conversations with the creep. That hurts till this day, and I never forgot about it.
I told them about the several times I was inappropriately touched, without warning, without permission. The creep-radar in me would recognize when my sister would have become a victim, so I would try to protect her.
I told them that more than anything its a power play. And if they were every to feel a sense of unease, they are entitled to their feeling and creating their personal space - even when others try to blow away their feelings.
I wanted them to understand that sometimes people do bury their feelings and might bring it up after several decades. Just because so much time has passed doesn't make the hurt go away. All it means is that they have learned to live with the scabs and when they are ready to address it, each person does it in their own way. Or sometimes they choose to never redress it....but the pain never goes away or diminish.
Why did I choose to have this conversation with my son? I want him to hear that feelings do matter. There will be numerous versions on how to interpret women that he will encounter, I want him to also remember my woman voice in all the cacophony. IMO waking up to it when he has daughters is too much time and opportunity wasted. How many times have we heard a grown man condemn the inappropriate actions of his friend/colleague "because I have daughter". And yes, I did also talk to him about the times when the woman lied in her accusation.
Why did I have these conversations with my daughter? I hope she will be better equipped to deal with it than I or many women did. I wanted her to know at the time she feels targeted with unwanted attention, she is not alone, there have been many before her and many after her. At each time she will find her voice to say "No" loud and clear.
To both of them I tell, at its core, its a form of bullying and power play. One day it might be focused on the girl/woman, but it will be only a matter of time before it moves on to the rest of the population.