I see a number of articles starting with this phrase. You can fill the blank with various issues: gender disparity in tech field, gender disparity in opportunities for higher education or employment, gender disparity in pay parity, gender disparity in career growth….you name it. Somehow because we are in 2017 this all should have been solved by now. Any issue has three phases- identifying the problem, figuring out and executing a solution, verifying that the solution actually fixes the problem - rinse and repeat. Sometimes in order to see the bigger picture you have to analyze the smaller observations. Here is an observation from my smaller life.
In 1989 I completed my 12th grade without getting into any Engineering or Medical schools. To me it was devastating. While I was thrashing about in the dispair, my Grandfather recommended me to his acquaintance(Prof. S) who prepares students in maths to get into Engineering schools. Prof. S ran an private tutorial where he had other teachers for Physics and Chemistry too. With help from my Father and Grandfather I was enrolled into that tutorial. I worked harder than any student that my teachers had seen until then. I was desperate. The result is that I ranked in top 0.5% of state to get into a government funded Engineering College. My yearly fees was very miniscule and this is important because money was an issue at home.
In 1990, the year I joined as a freshman at Engineering College there were 2 distinct incidents that would have tremendous impact on my life. The two incidents lasted less than 5 minutes, yet they were seared in my conscience, to this day propelling me to make a better world for me and many more.
Incident One: Right after my selection into Engineering College through a centralized exam, my maternal Grandmother’s brother visited us. He was very happy for my achievement and congratulated me. I was first among 3 generations of females to get into Engineering College. He said I lived up to my namesake, the first woman Electrical Engineer of India was a lady by name of A.Lalitha. It was a matter of coincidence that our names are the same. Until that moment I had never heard about the other Lalitha. I wanted to become an Engineer because (a) my Father was an Engineer and I was crazy about him….so I wanted to be an Engineer like him (b) When I was in 7th grade I had an epiphany that my family will be in dire straits financially by the time I became an adult, so I better find a professional well paying jobs as soon as I grow up, which in India it meant going to Engineering or Medical Schools (c) I was slightly better at Math and Physics than memorizing Biology. (d) For some reason I was and am extremely independent, I needed to be the master of my fate (more about this later). I did not have a role model to follow and it seemed to me I was lonely explorer into the big bad world. To find out a pair of footprints ahead of me suddenly was like a mystery hidden by fog.
Over the years I slowly figured out during conversations with my Mother and Grandmother. A.Lalitha was a contemporary of my Great Grandmother. Her daughter was married to my Grandmother’s cousin. Many in the generation of Grandmother knew about her. Yet I was 19 years when I first heard about her. It took several more years to know more. Until recently even a Google search would not bring up her name. Then a few weeks ago I was coming out movie theater just having seen Wonder Woman when I got a text from friend with a link about India’s First woman Electrical Engineer (http://www.thehindu.com/society/indias-first-woman-electrical-engineer/article19102674.ece) . It is 2017. Occasionally I would have mentioned her over the years to my friends, but probably it appeared like a tall tale on my part. I was excited to have a proof finally to my nebulous role model. I liked my role models to be vague, I did not want to find the clay feet of my heros, weather it be Marie Curie or A.Lalitha. Oh it was so inspiring to read about A.Lalitha.
Incident 2: One day as freshman I was hanging out with my classmates before a class. It was during festival season, because I was wearing a new dress and made extra effort to look nice...just because it was festive times. In the few minutes before we scampered off to class, a classmate of mine said, looking at me, “a seat has been wasted”. I asked “why?”. His reply was “If the seat has been given to a boy instead of me, he would used his education and supported a family”. I was too taken aback to respond and anyways it took me several years to understand why the incident had such importance in my mind.
Growing up in my Grandparents’ home when I was young and being the eldest grandchild I saw very closely how my Aunts navigated the world when they were young women. I saw them through their teenage pranks and as your college graduates trying to find their independence and identity. Each of my 2 Aunts who were college educated were married off. They had pleaded with my Grandfather to be supported in getting a job. This was highly discouraged since “women of the household did not go to work, they got married and took care of family”.
Every girl/woman or person for that matter, has the right make a choice of what they want in life. Along with choice comes the consequences. If I were to believe in other’s view of me, I would have been a blithering idiot who cannot hold down a job or provide any value to society. Since I felt that I do not have the luxury of listening to other’s opinion I decided to try whatever I can. I did not think I had a choice of walking away from the responsibility of taking care of my parents and my sister. Why wasn’t I shown the role model who exists right there in front of all of us. Why was it made to feel that any change is possible to achieve by others, there were no examples shown in my extended family history to give me the confidence that I too can make a change in my life and others? I cannot fathom why the achievements of A.Lalitha were buried so deep and forgotten. I wonder how much difference it would have made to the families and society if my Grandmother, my Mother and Aunts were shown the role model of educated women. Why did the fathers sit back and fail their daughters?
If the Men had understood the vitality of women education and self-reliance incident 2 would not have happened. Even in 2017 I would not have heard a Father try to put fear into his son that his future job will be taken away by that girl classmate of his who works harder.
If I were to talk to the perpetuator of incident 2 now, I would tell him. He was right, but only partially. In giving me the seat, I supported 4 families. During all the years I earned I made sure I have back to India for others to have the same opportunity as I was given. I teach my children at much higher level in math, science and general thinking, and I teach my kids to self-reliant and share knowledge with others. You educate a woman, you educate the next generation. It’s as simple as that. In 2017 there should not be young women lamenting the lack of opportunities (https://campusdiaries.com/stories/we-need-more-women-in-tech-is-it-really-that-difficult)
A boy is told as he grows up he can be whatever he wants, and a girl is told about her limitations. The boy grows up to be a man who becomes dependent on external validation, and a girl who has figured out that her limitations are only in the mid of others, will grow up to find validation within self. And such strength of purpose/conviction should be celebrated. I have one friend whose Grandmother architected her husband’s business, helped grow it and established first girl’s school in her town- all because she believed in girls need equal opportunity. Another friend of mine had a great grandmother and mother who hauled their families out of dire situations. In every generation there are women who make differences in people’s lives and families. And yet many times they are treated as anomalies. It’s very fashionable to discover Hidden Figures out of them, when in reality we either don’t hear about them more, trivialize their achievements so that the next generation of girls will not aspire to be like them.
During my wedding ceremonies there was a part where the officiating priest took out the newly wed couple to show the bride Arundhati star (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arundhati_(Hinduism) ). This is to instruct the new wife her role model. I was pointed out the direction to look for, because it was about Noon when the priest took us out to show. I just wish I had been shown the other women as role models too, someone whom I could have related to, who would have said to me that I am not an anomaly.
Why is this all important? For me it’s simple. I hope my son and daughter can be whoever they want to be, and they will teach my grandchildren to strive for achievement without limitations. And if more people do that, we as human will not be repeating history, rather learning from it to move forward.