Have you seen the ads for second hand smoking? The cigarette smoke whiffs through the air ducts and reaches the baby in the crib. The thing about that ad is that the baby cannot walk away, cannot move over to a secure place.
Growing up each person watches and learns. A child learns fundamental life lessons observing others while growing up. One of the most important lessons in life I learned watching other grown women in my life. Girls have the habit of observing the situations adults around them are going through. Just observe a girl playing with her dolls. She will enact the scenario from her adults in life. She will play out the scenario or a very similar one, playing out her solution. Actually business schools teach the same thing, take a real life problem and come up with solution scenarios.
I saw a pattern with the women in my life, they needed to ask their spouses for the resources with which they can run their households. Whether it’s money or time. Many times than not the request would be rephrased as imposition. The women were let know that they were pesky, non appreciative of their imposition. I could never understand, how come the spouses never anticipated and be proactive after the second or third time. A simple example- My Dad worked in Delhi for some time while we stayed in Calcutta. Every two months my Mom would ask me to write a letter to my Dad asking for money for rent and household expenses. Every time the bank balance moved to critical levels and for several years. - Why? Didn’t my Dad not know the days in the calendar? Didn’t he know the last time he sent the check? I hated writing the letters. It felt like begging, but was it not our right? Based on the social imposed rules? I use my Mother , Father and self as an easy example. But this is a pattern I saw repeated in many women's lives around me, just the details differed.
I hated it. To my young self it did not feel right and my older self put it in the bucket of abuse of power. So...since I was a kid I was aware of abuse of power and hated it. When it came to my protectorate I tried my best. As a kid and as an adult. As a kid protector during the times where I could not help, I became angry. My sister called me the female version of Angry Young man - Amitabh Bacchan.
Now as an adult it's different. I should be able to negotiate/navigate the changes. Nope!
There is me wanting to take away my protectorate to safety and life. My protectorates have the right to safety and happiness. In the USA the right to pursuit of happiness is a fundamental right. And yet year after year, I have to keep watching my protectorate while the abuse continues. There have been times where I lied awake with desperation, not sure if my protectorate will not take their own life.
When my protectorate indicated that they might move to a different residence situation...I pursued every available resource in educating myself about the patterns in house prices. Map the changing requirements to best hunt of property. I made sure I built the knowledge bank over years, so that when the time comes I would be prepared with the best possible knowledge, based on data.
The fervent movement towards a goal winded its way through changing requirements from the protectorate and for several years. But there is a cost to all this adrenalin. The cost dues came crashing for me this week. I could no longer pay the price of a protector, when the person was on a different schedule of moving away from the abuser than me. Something broke within me and I most likely did irreparable damage to our relationship. My protectorate is precious to me. My protectorate defined my life. And yet a part of me intentionally pushed away. Why? There was nothing I could do to benefit. And this was when I realized I was experiencing the second hand abuse. I was that baby breathing in the smoke.
By nature I am a problem solver. Being stuck in a position, unable to solve the problem is extremely difficult for me. I believe that every problem cannot be solved, but how can I allow myself to continue without trying. The only times I will not try: - the other person does not want me to try or I don’t care or I am dead.
The epilogue: My protectorate walked out on me, they are extremely strong people. I walked myself into a small shell. I cannot deal with so much heartache any more. And I discovered the fourth parameter of when I will not try….when I am the victim of a second hand abuse. Because it's difficult to be the invisible football between the abuser and the abused. That is the life of the second hand abused.